Top Ten Signs You’re Shopping at a Bad Mall

10. A sign in the parking lot reads, “Car theft is a problem. Do not leave car in parking lot.”

9. You put your jacket in a locker and then see it on sale at Winners 5 minutes later.

8. The mall Christmas tree is a fichus.

7. You ask for directions to a restroom and they point you to the fichus.

6. The store mannequins are flipping you off.

5. There aren’t any children’s rides but Mall Security offers piggybacks for 25¢.

4. They’re conducting a trial in the food court.

3. The discount store is aptly named 5 Finger.

2. The only thing half-off are Santa’s pants.

1. The writing next to the red star on the mall directory reads, “You shouldn’t be here.”